Forgiveness: A Journey of Self-Discovery and Healing
Download MP3Forgiveness, a journey of self discovery and healing. Forgiveness is a profound journey of letting go, understanding, and ultimately finding peace within oneself. My own path to forgiveness has been shaped by a traumatic experience involving betrayal and heartbreak with a previous partner, which forced me to confront not only his actions, but also my own past and the ways I had been complicit in my pain. The betrayal. About a year ago, I discovered that my then boyfriend had slept with 2 other women during the early stages of our relationship.
Speaker 1:The first revelation came about 7 months in, shattering the trust I had been building. Just as I was beginning to accept and rationalize this incident as a one off mistake, I learned about a second woman with whom he had an ongoing situationship before and after he met me. This betrayal was not just a blow to my trust in him and men in general, but it also unearthed deeper questions within myself. Why was I so quick and eager to trust someone who would do this to me? This was my victim story, but I later realized that I attracted him and this incident into my life for many reasons.
Speaker 1:I had some lessons or rather some, which is the Kabbalistic or Hebrew word for character rectifications to learn. To be fair, we weren't official, but our relationship had reached a significant level of intimacy. I had met his family, we spoke every day for long periods, and we had plans for him to meet my family. During the 3 weeks we were apart between these family introductions, he had slept with 2 other women. Looking back, I realized I should have initiated the what are we to conversation.
Speaker 1:However, I was on the trusting the process wave, sensing his avoidant attachment style and not wanting to push him away. I share this now to encourage everyone to express their feelings and truths openly. Repression and suppression only lead to complications down the line, which is exactly what happened in my case. While it's easy to blame him and the unhealed masculine writ large, I was complicit in all of it. I went along with his advances, even though my intuition told me I wasn't the only one.
Speaker 1:I didn't speak up when I started to have feelings of discomfort about this very feeling. I also had sex with him before any official conversation we had because I was fun and lighthearted and a cool girl. Right? I was the one who said, let's flow without a serious discussion. And I showed up for him again and again, accepting his advances without ever expressing myself truthfully under the guise of flowing.
Speaker 1:As much as I wanted to hate him, I hated myself more. As much as I wanted to call him a liar, I was a liar too. Self forgiveness. Both of us realized that underneath the blame was the need to forgive myself. My first mistake was ignoring my intuition and his explicit words, for literally letting him in without stating my own boundaries, for lying about my discomfort with the ongoing flowing when I felt our connection deepen.
Speaker 1:From the beginning, he had clearly stated his reluctance to commit, especially in a long distance relationship. Despite the crystal clear warning, I convinced myself that I could change his mind and could do so tactfully, specifically, by playing it cool and not speaking up about my true desires and rising discomfort with this situation. Princesses love a project. Queens won't accept 1. And in this moment, I was a princess.
Speaker 1:My second mistake was ignoring my own past behaviors that triggered such a kerfuffle. A few years before meeting him, I had acted quite similar similarly, engaging in relationships without clear boundaries and transparent, grounded communication. I had been deceptive, not fully committing to partners, while seeking validation and excitement from many. I had, like him, been duplicitous in my trysts and not squeaky clean, moral, or ethical with my happenings. His actions were a painful reflection of my own past indiscretions.
Speaker 1:Realizing this, I understood that my anger towards him was a form of self judgment. This relationship served as a mirror, showing me aspects of myself I had either ignored or justified. I cannot blame him because I attracted him. I did so to learn lessons about healing and forgiveness through my own reflection in male form. Acknowledging this mirroring effect was difficult but needed.
Speaker 1:It forced me to confront my flaws in darkest moments where I acted out of hand. I recognized my judgments of him were judgments of my former self I had hadn't looked at or forgotten. Releasing anger and exploring my patterns. One of the most challenging aspects of forgiveness is releasing the desire for revenge. Initially, I wanted him to feel the same pain he had caused me, which is why I was such a crazy bitch, for lack of a better term.
Speaker 1:However, holding onto this desire only prolonged my suffering and kept me tied to the past. I had to consciously choose to let go of my anger and resentment, understanding that it would only cause further harm. A significant part of my healing journey took place in Bali, where where I found peace spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. Immersing myself in the land's power and divinity, I felt a profound sense of calm. Nature helped me reconnect with my body in ways I had forgotten.
Speaker 1:During this time, I decided to take a break from romance and dating altogether to focus entirely on myself. This period of solitude allowed me to start cultivating a truly loving relationship with myself. I'm still on this journey in that I'm prioritizing my health in every area and diving deep into my creative endeavor endeavors. My week newsletter and this podcast being a primary outlet for my thoughts and experiences. This creative resurgence was a form of alchemy as I transformed my pain into purpose with every click of the keyboard.
Speaker 1:Through introspection, I began to unpack my propensity to select projects over partners. Historically, I was drawn to emotionally unavailable individuals, believing I could convert them into committed partners. This pattern stemmed from a desire to avoid my deficiencies by focusing on fixing others. Relationships became a way to evade my issues, and each partner mirrored aspects of myself that needed to be addressed. This most recent boyfriend was the 3rd of 3 in a row.
Speaker 1:I was a serial dater, and that needed to be looked at. Again, it was easier to pour myself into someone else rather than pour myself into me. I realized that I had often been the hero or mother in these relationships, helping my partners elevate and mature at the expense of my own. This realization was both liberating and sobering. It became clear that I needed to stop running to others to assuage my feelings of inadequacy and start nurturing my own sense of worth that attracted a certain frequency in the first place.
Speaker 1:A new beginning. For the first time in 4 years, I'm single and not seeing anyone for about a year now. No crushes, no hookups, no prospects. This period of solitude has allowed me to reconnect with my body from a cellular to a spiritual level. I'm exploring my gifts and talents rather than suppressing them to chase the next relationship.
Speaker 1:This journey has taught me that I am inherently valuable exactly as I am, and no relationship status defines me. While I grapple with feelings of inadequacy, especially seeing others' engagement, wedding, and baby pictures on social media, I find solace in my own energy. True intimacy begins with into me I see. Engaging in my own growth feels purifying, and it is the hard but right way to heal. Every day, I cultivate resilience by sitting through difficult feelings without reaching out to others to soothe my downs.
Speaker 1:Nature has been a steadfast companion in this journey. I write this by the ocean, feeling its soothing presence on my nervous system. Though I have not been a complete recluse, the support from nurturing humans has been ancillary to my internal journey. Forgiveness is not a linear process, nor is it a one time event. It is an ongoing journey of understanding and acceptance.
Speaker 1:By forgiving my previous partner, I forgive the masculine, and I free myself from the burden of anger and resentment. By forgiving myself, I reclaim my power and begin to heal old wounds. This journey has led me to a deeper relationship with myself. I've become clearer about who I am and what I want in life and in future relationships. I look forward to continue to evolve, embracing the lessons I have learned and becoming the woman who I am meant to be.
Speaker 1:Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. It is an act of self liberation and growth. Through this journey, I have found peace, strength, and a renewed sense of purpose as I empower other women to use their voice truthfully. Our voice holds power.
